Girlfriend Funny Meme Ran Out of Bacon
So, you want to tell a sex joke? They can be funny as all hell, depending on your delivery, but before we go ahead and share some of our favorite ones, let's break down some of the rules of telling dirty sex jokes.
First and foremost, know your audience. Don't tell a racy joke to your coworkers or employees. These jokes can easily be misconstrued, and you don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. (A dirty joke may also land you in HR, and we want to avoid that.) You also might not want to whip out a dirty joke in front of your parents, grandparents, or in-laws—but hey, we don't know what your relationship is like your fam, so you do you.
Second, don't tell any sexist jokes. Outside of being offensive, they're just not funny. "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus" gags are played out. This isn't a 1994 Comedy Central stand-up. This is 2021. If you're telling the same tired-ass jokes, you're not going to be funny.
Lastly, you can dabble in Blue comedy (which is sexually explicit humor that's really fucking crass and vulgar), but do so sparingly. There are quickly-diminishing returns with any shock-value style of comedy.
All right. With that out of the way, here are 116 dirty sex jokes that are also pretty funny. (God bless Reddit and the internet; we couldn't have done this without you.) Some are classics that are decades old, a few are newer celebrity comedian jokes you may recognize, and others are undoubtedly cringey, but that's all part of the fun. (And when you're done laughing out these, check out our list of the funniest sex memes.)
1) A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.
They see a sex therapist, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel while he and his wife make love.
Begrudgingly, the friend submits and says yes.
After 20 minutes of lovemaking, the woman is no closer to orgasm, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places. So the friend is now having sex with the woman while the husband wafts the towel.
After two minutes, the woman starts to tremble and lets out an incredible cry as she reaches the most intense orgasm she has ever had.
The husband looks at his friend, and proudly proclaims, "Now that, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel."
2) A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says, "Mom what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?" She answers, "That's his trunk." "No, in the back," the daughter says. "That's his tail." "No, underneath!" The mother blushes and says, "Oh that's nothing."
The daughter is confused, so she asks her dad. "Dad, what's that thing hanging down under the elephant?" "Oh, that's his penis," the day replies. "Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?"
"Oh, she's just spoiled."
3) A husband says to his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?" She replies, "I don't like calling you when you're at work."
4) Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says, "Who is it?" followed by a man's voice saying, "Blind man." Figuring the man wouldn't see anything, they open the door. The man walks in and says, "Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?"
5) My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. I came three times trying to wash that shit off.
6) A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
7) A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.
He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
8) My girlfriend thought I'd be a pushover in bed, and wouldn't you know it, she had me pegged from the start.
9) The stork is the bird that brings the baby, but a swallow's the one to prevent it.
10) A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn't it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."
She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma'am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."
She stops him and informs him there's more, then leads him into the bedroom where she proceeds to give him the best sex he's ever had—every position he can think of until he's about ready to pass out. Finally, they finish and he says, "Thank you ma'am, this was amazing, but I really should finish my route."
She stops him and says, "I have one more thing for you," and then reaches over to the nightstand, pulls out a crisp $5 bill, and hands it to him. Confused, the mailman says, "Ma'am, the breakfast was amazing, the sex was mind-blowing, but what is up with the five dollars?"
The lady responds, "Well, my husband and I were watching TV last night when I said, 'Hey, tomorrow is the mailman's last day, think we should do something?' And he said, 'Fuck 'em. Give him 5 bucks.' But breakfast was my idea!"
11) A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy."
So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Can you turn mommy over? I'd rather have a puppy."
12) A couple gets married, and on their wedding night, the wife asks what a penis is. The husband, surprised, pulls his out. She says, "Oh, it's like a dick but smaller."
13) Why are women so bad at carpentry?
Holds hand in the air with fingers about 4 inches apart.
Because men keep telling them this is eight inches.
14) "You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterward." —Sara Pascoe
15) "My mom told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, 'Can I have a new bike?' He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike." –Jimmy Carr
16) "A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, 'You're right, it's supposed to be up the bum!'"—Gary Delaney
17) "I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup–just happy to be there."—Russell Howard
18) Life is like a penis... Often hard for no reason!
19) A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, arguing which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I have that you'll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
20) A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
21) "A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaned, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
22) One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
23) What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
24) Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
25) Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
26) How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
27) My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I, personally, am on the fence.
28) Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep his nuts dry.
29) "Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough." Signed, Pluto
30) How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
31) A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
32) A young man goes to see his doctor and the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating?" "Why?" the man asks. "Because I'm trying to examine you."
33) If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.
34) Without women sex would be a pain in the ass.
35) If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
36) A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"
37) I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time, I could have dinner with my parents.
38) What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex will make your whole day... Anal sex will make your hole weak.
39) Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
40) "Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
41) Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," the judge said. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane; I said that she's fucking Goofy!"
42) Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend? Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
43) A guy walks into a bar, and another guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?" The other guy says, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
44) A guy walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bartender says, "Single?" The guy replies, "No—happily married, but curious."
45) It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
46) A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, there are two left, but I like how you're thinking." Then Johnny asks the teacher, "You see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. One is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking."
47) They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
48) A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
49) "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
50) Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The grandson said, "I don't think you should take one. They're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," he replied. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the grandson found $110 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
51) Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
52) Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."
53) There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."
54) A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
55) Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, "Well, I've seen a penis." So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, "I've held a penis," so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter. Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that. The fourth nun replies, "Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it."
56) A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first-year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."
57) Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
58) Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."
59) Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
60) A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes and fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, and a parrot too, which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, and whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"
61) A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies, "Your dick is bigger than your brothers."
62) A woman asked her friend, "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?" The friend replied, "I made a simple rule: Sex will begin at 7 pm sharp, whether he is there or not."
63) Three boys were discussing their father's favorite foods. The first kid said his father loves to eat burgers. The second boy said his father loves KFC. The third boy said his father loves to eat light. The other two boys questioned how his dad does that. The third boy replied, "Every night I hear my daddy tell mommy to turn off the light so he can eat it."
64) If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
65) One day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too. I didn't want to be left behind!"
66) Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, "I had the best time last night. I had sex with twins!" The other asks, "How could you tell them apart?" "Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Sean had a goatee."
67) A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five-year-old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
68) A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
69) A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office, and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
70) You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, let's run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."
71) A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."
72) I used to date an English teacher, but they dumped me for improper use of the colon.
73) I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
74) Me and my friend were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography. Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.
75) I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 19 brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either.
76) A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker, and I charge 20 dollars for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a Uber driver, and the fare back to town is 25 bucks."
77) What does a horny frog say? Rub it.
78) What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.
79) What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate? A liar.
80) Why are pubic hairs so curly? So they don't poke out your eyes.
81) What's 72? 69 with three people watching.
82) What do you say when balls are slapping against your chin? Nothing! You've already got a mouthful!
83) What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don't talk to the guy in the middle; he's a real dick!
84) When should condoms be used? Every conceivable occasion.
85) Why was the snowman so horny? Because he saw a plow truck.
86) A penis is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it.
87) A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: When your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"
88) An old man is at his bedside praying when his wife says, "What are you doing?" "I'm praying for guidance," replies the man. "Just pray for stiffness," says the wife, "and I'll guide the fucker."
89) What the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never let a garbanzo bean on my chest.
90) The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner replies, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" "Oh yeah?" the clerk says, "Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
91) How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
92) What do a penis and Rubik's cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
93) I went out dressed as a chicken last night and met a girl who was dressed like an egg. One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: It was the chicken.
94) What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef stroganoff.
95) What's the difference between a dick and a bonus check? Someone is always down to blow your bonus.
96) I'm not sure how I feel about masturbation, but on the one hand, it feels pretty great!
97) How did I quit smoking, you ask? I decided I'd only smoke after sex.
98) I hope death is a woman. That way, it'll never come for me.
99) How is sex like a game of bridge? With a great hand, you don't even need a partner.
100) I told my mom that I have an Oedipus complex. She asked if I was serious, and I said, "Nah, I'm just fucking with you."
101) Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
102) What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
103) What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."
104) What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.
105) What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.
106) What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter.
107) Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.
108) What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
109) What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear and one's a great year.
110) What's the difference between Covid and your legs? I don't want Covid to spread.
111) What's the difference between you and an egg? An egg gets laid.
112) How did the police catch the naked man breaking into Zales? They grabbed him by the jewels.
113) What do you call two jalepeños getting it on? Fucking hot.
114) A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
115) What does a robot do after a one-night stand. Nuts and bolts.
116) Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!
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Source: https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a35995236/sex-dirty-jokes/
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